Paxil Withdrawals

Let me tell you a "short" story on how I came to be on Paxil, 6 years ago. The summer of 2002, to say the least, was traumatic. Let's back up a year. In August of 2001, I was terminated from a position and company that I loved. I started a new job on September 10, 2001, for a long time competitor. Then we all know what happened to us all the next day. I had a step-brother and two close friends that traveled extensively in their jobs. It was well after noon that day before I found all of them safe and sound, one stranded in the Houston airport, but safe. On Thanksgiving day, my favorite grandmother suddenly had, what we think, was a heart attack. She and my grandfather were in Albuquerque for the holiday. She had passed before paramedics could arrive. In February, I had a visit! An 18 year old boy showed up at my doorstep one night. He was my son! I didn't even know he existed till then. In August of that same year, my granddad moved a woman into his home, outside of marriage, and ran all of us grandkids away. In the mean time, I was in an abusive marriage (just now figuring this out) and reached the end of my rope. My wife told me I was going to have to get some help or she was leaving. I got counseling, and, began the "medicating" of my brain.

I started out on Paxil. Moved up to max dosage in about 2 months. I will admit, Paxil helped me to focus, stop my "anxiety attacks", and helped me in my walk with God. After about 2 years, everything started going flat. I had lost my competitive edge, a desire to "be good" and become just really flat, some say I was depressed. So we changed to Celexa, welbutrin, and one other that I can't remember (not all of these at once, just trying to find one that fit). Now, I am a man, so remember the sexual side effects thing. I finally settled on Celexa. It kinda fit everything but not really. If that makes sense.

Roll forward to the 2nd week in December 2006. My wife tells me that she does not want me to go with her to her parents for Christmas that year. That she needs some time to "think". She tells me that she's not real sure that she loves me any more. So, still on the drug, I go into this panic mode. "What have I done?". She leaves Christmas morning for her parents. I stay at home all that week, beating myself up for failing in my marriage. She comes home New Years Eve to tell me she wants a divorce. More panic on my part and complete disbelief. I am grasping at anything to "stay alive". Don't misunderstand, there were no "suicidal thoughts", just "why is this happening to me" kinda stuff. I go back for more professional therapy and back to Paxil. Because Paxil is "very anxiety focused" type of drug. I find Jesus, and latch onto the Gospel for the first time in my life. Now remember, I was raised up in the Church, but never understood OR was taught what the Gospel was all about. Even though I was in crisis mode, I never felt better about my sanctification. The Paxil came to my rescue again. Partly (I am convinced) because of my new found faith in Christ, and the Paxil, All was good for a while. The divorce was final on May 9th. In late October of 2007, I was approached, by a well established company, to go to work for them. So, I did. Life could not have been better. Then I began this "flattening out" mode again. Again, I think I am depressed again. I have no competitiveness about me, no real desires, just in a survival mode. I change therapist because, obviously, I'm heading back down the same ole road again. She begins to explain the effects of Paxil, long term. The flatness, the "just survive", dead head scenario. Makes sense to me, so I began to take myself off the Paxil. I start by taking 1/2 dose for 2 weeks, then I am headed to Dallas for a meeting and I forgot to bring my Paxil with me. So, I decide to just "quit" taking it now.

I am so glad that I have made it thus far in life with the only real habit I have is Copenhagen. Cause had I known what this ride was going to be like, I don't think i would have done it. In some of the web sights they call it "extremely vivid" dreams? It is nothing other than hallucinations. I would wake up screaming, thinking there were people in my room "watching" me sleep. The insomnia is crazy. I went 3 straight weeks with no more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Pure exhaustion during the day. Afraid to take a nap, cause I wanted to sleep at night. The brain and body "shocks". Nausea, diarrhea, it was all there, full bore. If it wasn't for my faith, I really don't think I could have made it through all of the withdrawal symptoms. And my faith was put to the test!

It has been 5 weeks now since I have taken any Paxil. I still suffer from the brain and body "shocks". The insomnia is getting better. The anxiety attacks are fewer. I really haven't experienced the drastic mood swings because I have focused really hard on keeping that in check.

By now, I bet you're wondering why I'm writing about this. Well, if there is anyone out there contemplating getting off Paxil, you have a friend. I highly recommend "googling" paxil withdrawal symptoms and reading up on it. Talk to your doctor about it. Get a reduction plan in place. DON'T JUST DO IT! I am living proof! It is tough. I am blessed with having a good therapist and an awesome support staff in my Christian brothers and sisters here in Lockney that have been there for me every step of the way. Don't be afraid to talk to someone about it. Talk to me about it. I am not an expert, but I am a pretty good listener.

First and foremost, get right with God! He will also guide you. He will not leave you hanging. Trust me, if it weren't for God's grace, and my faith in that, I would have probably already gotten back on the stuff.